I had it all figured out?

Last night I just realized I have been waiting for my reward. What I deserve. I've earned it. I have been hanging my head low since I have been married. I am going to press on until Randy is finished with school than life will be how I want it. I have earned it. My husband was non existent and I learned to cope with it. So I am going to wait it out. Well we have been out of Medical school/residency for one year now and it is not what I thought it would be. We are STILL living in a rental home waiting for our dream home to be approved. Randy is more busy at work than he was in residency and I am still waiting. Waiting for a family trip, waiting for Randy to be home at 5:30 for dinner, waiting for a back yard and a cud-i-sac for my kiddos to play in so I don't have to worry as much. I expressed my frustration with Randy and he asked me why am I feeling sorry for myself and I was so offended. What do you mean sorry for my self? Well I was. I have been living the life of What's in it for me? I did this for you, now, what are you going to do for me? I deserve to have a boat and family time! I put you and put up with you through 11 years of school.

Well after Randy very patiently waited for me to express myself and then took his turn it hit me. Oh my pride! I have forgotten the purpose of why I am here. Not because I deserve to be here, but because I choose to be here. I choose to marry Randy and along with him I married his dreams and desires. He did the same for me. My words are all over the place. I still have a lot to learn I guess. I am happy to recognize what is underneath my frustration...pride....And now I get to learn how to cope with it and find humility....peace. We'll see how well I do.

back to school blessings

My little boy starts Kindergarten tomorrow. I am overwhelmed with joy, excitement for him, fear of letting him enter the world or public school, and hope that he will enjoy every bit of learning. Randy gave Mason and Maryn father's blessings tonight and I was amazed to see how Mason responded to the spirit. He was filled with such joy, He didn't know what to do with himself. He said he felt happy and was so excited to have a blessing. He also said he knows a blessing is special and thought it was so cool. He even tried to put his hands on me...so cute. It fills my heart with joy seeing the happiness in his face. He gave Randy the biggest hug-wrapping his legs and arms around him. It brought a huge smile to Randy's face. Randy was going to wait until Maryn started school in a week and a half, but he couldn't. She wanted to have it done just like Mason. She sat very still and stared at me and Mason the whole time...except for the time she almost got up (she is only 3). She was very happy it was done and was happy to be apart of this experience. Even though she didn't listen to the words you could tell she was feeling the spirit and I love that. Both blessings spoke of my  children being a leader and an example. It starts so young, but it is who they are, and I love them for it. As it is stated in the scriptures there was rejoicing. For our little family tonight. There was much rejoicing in the spirit, It was felt through peace, love, and happiness. The feeling you get when you can't control yourself and just want to jump for joy. I feel that is what Mason was feeling. I am so blessed to have a loving worthy priesthood holder in my home and to give my children a blessing at anytime. I am so happy for spirit and that it dwells in my home and my children can feel it and I get to help them recognize it. I love Randy so much. I love my children. I love my Savior Jesus Christ who made it possible so I can have these experiences....Thank you!

2000 Stripling Solders

Being touched by the spirit while ready in Alma 53 regarding the 2000 Stripling Solders My thoughts go to my children and my desires to have them be like those brave young men, valiant, "true at all times iin whatsoever thing they were trusted",..." Soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him."

I know I can teach my children these wonderful things, but I cannot do it if  I am worthy to teach them. If I do not live my life to teach them these thinks. My home needs to have the spirit present at all times to do so. A home of love, peace, trust, kindness and centered in Christ. My home was once like this in St. Louis. It was not perfect since  I am not perfect, but I had a sense of peace and stability. My desire is to have that again. To center myself on Christ and my family once again. I have not strayed from Christ, but I have lost that sense of peace since my life has been up rooted. Feelings of anger, sadness and selfishness have crept while I focus on being patient with Randy's business and waiting on a permanent house. I want peace. I want focus. I need Christ as my center.

I am finding my way in our new life here in Nevada. It is another journey I get to experience and learn from. I need to center myself with grounded friends that are centered in Christ so I can have their example and support. I need to care for myself so I can care for my children. I need Randy so I can lean on him for the support I need.

Choice

Today I made some decisions. I was at the end of my line. I didn't want my kids touching me in Sacrament meeting. I had an underlining anger toward Randy and the Lord. I felt neglected, and as I said before at the end of my line. As soon as the prayer was over I was gone. I let the Primary pres know I was going to be there to teach, but I need to go home for some time to myself. I pulled out of the parking lot in tears and asking myself how did I get to this place? Talking to the Lord in while driving my heart poured out. Telling him my feelings and desires. I made it home, pulled in the drive way and just cried. It is all I could do. I have given everything I have to my husband and kids. My desires are simple, I want my husband to spend time with me and the family. I started writing a list of what I needed. I need him to be home for dinner at 5:30pm. I need him to not bring home work with him. I need him to dictate after every patient. I felt better after writing my list and made it back to church. I was filled with vigor and was ready to continue the day. I felt like my needs were going to be met and it made all the difference. Randy and I talked about my list and he wants everything that I do and is happy to make things work. I am thankful for a wonder Heavenly Father who loves me and encourages me to make choices. I love the gift of the Holy Ghost and for the promptings I feel. I love my Savior who is by my side.

Something different

Something was different about Maryn today. I could tell she is growing up and is a lot more aware of her senses and is more expressive. I don't know if it is just the time I spent with her that made her so affectionate or if her brain clicked and her reasoning response is kicking in. I love every minute with her. Even the "I don't love you" comments in Target because I would not let her use her markers today...I was saving them for her birthday party. Having a girl is not so bad. It is like another me. Someone with needs, wants and desires. All she needs is someone to hold her hand and watch a movie, snuggle on the couch with a sippy cup of milk, take her dolly and stroller in the store and buy her baby a present.She just needs a mom and I am happy to be her mom I love my little girl. She is so special and beautifully different

I Get It

Randy and I were asked to speak in Sacrament meeting for Easter. I am always excited to speak because I always learn so much as I prepare, but this week was different. I was battling some emotional baggage with Randy starting to prepare for oral boards and having family come in town for the weekend was stressing me out too. As I tried to get some ideas written down I was feeling stuck. We were asked to speak on Easter. There is a lot to speak about, but I could not find what I was looking for. I kept telling Randy, "there is nothing more to say about Easter. I found some scriptures and some ideas, but nothing that would take up 10 minutes. On Sunday morning I kept trying to find more info, but nothing...I just said in a prayer trying to find some peace. "I have done the best I could, this is what I have." Randy came in 10 minutes before we left and asked if I printed out my talk. He continued , the printer ink is gone and it will not print. he was so sorry, but I finally felt peace. I just said to myself...to my father in heaven..."I Get It". I knew what I had was what I needed, and I was needing to just bare testimony. I did and I filled my time and the spirit spoke. The music was beautiful and helped me with my thoughts. Randy's words were inspired and he only five minutes..
It was a beautiful day.

I know my savior is my brother. He is my trusted friend and knows me. He wants me to be happy even when I am not. He wants me to enjoy life and experience life and do my purpose. he sacrificed his life for mine and no other person could do that. He loves me. He made it possible for my family to be together forever. I can go home and see my Father again. I get to be in his presence again and enjoy the love that I feel. I am happy because of him. I will continue to learn more of his love and continue in trust and humility.

Running

I never thought I would be into running. In fact I told myself you don't need to run you will just hurt your body and get angry at the expectation I will hold over my head to be the best, fastest, and well, the best . Well, that is not the case. I started with the couch to 5K podcast that helped me focus on my body and reaching little goals. I did it and was quite impressed with myself. The best part (the part that I needed to learn) was slow and steady, not to fast, and take care of your body. Nine weeks later I was running a 5K and wanted to do more. I am now training for a 10K and I love the training. Randy and I are doing a relay half marathon in a few months and I am up to four miles staying around a 10min pace. I am so proud of myself and how my body feels. I love the support from Randy. He is proud of me too. It is so nice we can both concentrate on fitness together and work together to meet our goals. I have a four and a half mile run on Sat and look forward to it. I get to rerun a course that kicked my booty. I went running with some friends and it was tough. I had Mason and Maryn with me so I was running with 85+lbs up a tough hill for a mile. I was angry and not enjoying myself, but I did run the whole way. I'm proud of that. So, my next run will be doing that course again without kiddos, and by myself. I think I do better by myself. I like doing it by myself. I like just to think about me and my time and not worry about those I am with.