Being Dependent

Yesterday was fast Sunday and I loved it. I usually dread it because I can't eat. Eating helps me through the day emotionally, and when I fast I break down. Going through therapy I learned about myself and why I am the way I am. I also learned how to change the negative coping skills into positive coping skills. So. Sunday I realized how much I love to depend on the Lord especially fasting. I say in the morning, "Lord I don't have food today I need you". After recognizing I am putting my most favorite coping mechinism out of service so I can take the time to focus on what I am needing in my life throuh fasting. I recognize there is another way I can cope and that is through the Lord. Yes food helps calm me down and centers me, why can't the Lord?
I put this thought to work during my walk today and I tried it out. I walked out all my emotional energy and stresses and thought about how I can use the Lord more in my life. Wait. I need to stop myself because I just realized I want to be dependent. My whole life I have chosen to be independent. That is how I made it through my life as a number seven out of nine kids. Now I am choosing to be dependent. Wow, what a thought. Okay, back to what I did today. I went through the day with the idea that the Lord was my coping mechenism. I tried to focus on what I was feeling and how I was going to get through it. for example. Went to walmart with the kiddos and after an hour and a half we were at the check out and all my credit cards are delined. I had 180.00 dollars worth of groceries and school supplies in my cart and shock, enbarrisment, anger rushed through me. My thoughts went to the Lord. "Okay what do I do now?" "Call Randy". Randy gave me his debit card number and I was atease until I was told walmart does not punch in numbers for payment. I was shocked again. Especially as I saw my cart roll into customer service and an employee said "we have another one" I looked to see where the worker put my cart and there were four more just like mine. Embarrisment overwhelmed me and Anger came to play. I was angry with Randy for maxing out all our creidit cards (he has not been aproved for is business loans and has to buy equiptment and stuff). It's not his fault he maxed out the cards, and knowing this I am still angry and Mason and Maryn are acting like kids. I love it when they act like kids, but when anger and/or frustration set in I want them to be annoyed and frustrated with me. So, I am holding arms and getting after my kids for being cute and themselves. I got many looks but didn't care. I explaned to the kiddos I am frustrated I can't take our groceries home and it is not there fault. We got in the car, and pulling out of the stall Randy calls and says he is on his way with his card to save the day. I am so relieved that I make a u-turn right infont of the store ignoring all traffic. I even did a three point in the middle of the drive way not caring who was coming in. luckily traffic was patient with me. Thank goodness or we would have all been killed. So, Randy gets there saves the day. Kiddos are happy to see dad and I am relived. I take groceries out and instead of thinking about what I am going to eat when I got home. I said a prayer of thanks. Even though I acted complelty dangerously and wrongly to my children. I didn't go to food. I went to someone who I can compleley depend on. The Lord. He knows what I am going through especially when I am coming to him for help. I just need to work on the anger management and dangerous driving. I am proud of myself. When I got home I talked with the kiddos more about mommy's frustration, Had lunch without binging, and read books and loved being with my kiddos. Wow. I wanted to try coping differently and I got a great trial run.

I will continue to focus on going to the lord aka relying on him to help me recongize my feelings and helping me find ways to over come hard situations. I feel like I did on Sunday. Peaceful, watched over, taken care of, and loved. None of it came from food. Thank you my savior.