see those as the Savior see's them

Last night as I was reading the scriptures I had an overwhelming feeling about those I know who do not know the gospel or those who are not living righteous lives and how their lives will be after this world. Those I thought about made my heart ache. I could understand how Either felt when mourned for those who are not righteous. My heart was mourning and a great feeling of anxiety came over me that I had to do something,  but what could I do? I read in the Ensign sept 2009 issue article "What to do about Leigh" and my answer came and anxiety gone. Though the article speaks of same sex attraction it applies to everyone not living or has not had the opportunity to live the gospel. The phrase that caught me was that it is not responsibility to heal it is the Saviors. Mine is to be obedient in his teaching and love. Love. Love. Love. Though I am not perfect, neither is anyone else on this earth. The Lord guides me and he will guide those I love back to him.

Sing a Song

What a beautiful Sacrament meeting today. First of all, I was so irritated with my children that I was dreading sacrament meeting in the first place and I am still super tired. I am still trying to figure out my cycle and getting used to being in control of my body instead of my emotions controlling me. I still need a few more months to figure it out. anyway. Sacrament meeting started and the row in front of us was our entertainment. Their daughter dropped the bread tray all over the floor and their sun kicked the water tray. All I could do was laugh because they were laughing and it gave me perspective that yes this is a sacred ordinance, but life happens, kids happen. Ahhh, I took a big deep breath after the show and was filling better and could manage my children. The bishop got up and announced that our meeting would be a musical meeting and I lit up. I love these!! The first hymn was. It was a quartet of violinist of young women of different ages. It was squeaky, off, but beautiful. The words bring in the spirit not the squeaky violins. Next was an organist performing "Joseph's First Prayer". Amazing!! There was a speaker who spoke about singing and being active in singing. Lastly the speaker asked for an impromptu choir to come up and sing "I know that my Redeemer lives". It wasn't the best, but all I could picture these members dressed in white and really singing to the savior and testifying of him. Beautiful. The closing hymn was "how firm a foundation" and Mason knows this song. The whole primary knows this song and I was touched, again, by their small voices mixed in with the grown-ups. I needed today. My  gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing me this day. My family is thankful too. Mom is no longer grumpy.

being Controlled

This past week has been an exciting one. Randy's office is not done. He has moved in and is now buy the last minute furniture and odds and ends. It was crazy though. Grandpa Lomax came down with an employee of CC&E to help get computers up and networks made. Amongst the stress of the network crashing and having to order new software, there were painters, guys putting in cabinets, and even patients being seen.

Now with the stress of Randy's office and he being home just to sleep then get up and go my stress level increased  too. The stress came from caring for the kids while trying to care for myself. As usual. I get up every morning to walk for an hour, come home kiss my sweetheart, than it is game on for the day. Mason school, playtime with Maryn, shopping, pick up Mason from school, Lunch, play time, naps, and by this time I am TIRED. Mason has thrown twenty fits, Maryn has smashed all the playdoh colors together, thrown them on the floor and has gotten the milk out and tried to pour it herself. My solution has been to turn the t.v. on the let the babysitter to it's job so I can get a break. What I have learned through the babysitter is that my kids are more needy and more winney. ARGGGG! I can't get a break. Wednesday was the day the last straw was picked. I lost it and my cool and I realized I am not in control. Mason woke up late at eight zero, zero (as he puts it) and was really sad we turned off the t.v. He didn't get a chance to watch a show. Now I felt bad for him, because I didn't want him to feel punished for sleeping in so I "rewarded" him by letting him watch a show while he ate breakfast. I violated my first rule of the day. T.V off at 8:00 so we can get ready for school and not be late. Well. with letting Mason watch a show he turned into this crying winney  kid which made me go crazy. He was throwing fits left and right and was pushing me to screaming. We were a half and hour late for school and my happy excited son walked into school with red teary eyes. ALL BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE CONTROL. I let my own fear get in the way of my rules. My fear that Mason would remember waking up and not getting to watch t.v. and it was all my fault. This is silly, I know, but that is what I thought. The fear also goes along with me not meeting my children's needs living in an apartment, and that is the underlying fear. I was letting my fear run my life, which meant my kids run my life and I have no control.
Thursday night I got it back. Randy and fellow people helping getting the office ready were working long hours and I was finished being a single parent. The kids and I went down to say hi and see how things were coming together. The kids were crazy. Mason was running jumping on the brand new chairs flipping his shoes on the the newly painted walls and Maryn was following right behind him. I looked at him and thought he is really not listening to me. When did that happen. I would say his name and he would continue on like I never said anything. I snapped. Said goodbye took the kids home and it was dinner than bed time. I had to get a grip on what was happening between me and Mason. I made dinner and I have never experienced Mason be so rude and demanding. I sent him to his room to get control of himself, but he got worse. It was like a two year old all over a gain except worse! I let him be out of control in his room and set him straight on his accusations of me "locking him in his room", "not loving him" , and "not being nice to him". I tried to put it back on him and letting him be accountable for his actions. Once he calmed down we talked for awhile about our feelings and what started his outrage. He was able to go to sleep at peace and I felt this feeling of being in control and it felt awesome!! I didn't want to take out my frustrations on food. I felt great. I had this feeling before, but It has been lost for a long time. I am glad to have it back, and remember that my fears not only hurt me, but they affect my children too. I am in control not my children. It is my responsibility to be in control and teach them and love them.

Being Dependent

Yesterday was fast Sunday and I loved it. I usually dread it because I can't eat. Eating helps me through the day emotionally, and when I fast I break down. Going through therapy I learned about myself and why I am the way I am. I also learned how to change the negative coping skills into positive coping skills. So. Sunday I realized how much I love to depend on the Lord especially fasting. I say in the morning, "Lord I don't have food today I need you". After recognizing I am putting my most favorite coping mechinism out of service so I can take the time to focus on what I am needing in my life throuh fasting. I recognize there is another way I can cope and that is through the Lord. Yes food helps calm me down and centers me, why can't the Lord?
I put this thought to work during my walk today and I tried it out. I walked out all my emotional energy and stresses and thought about how I can use the Lord more in my life. Wait. I need to stop myself because I just realized I want to be dependent. My whole life I have chosen to be independent. That is how I made it through my life as a number seven out of nine kids. Now I am choosing to be dependent. Wow, what a thought. Okay, back to what I did today. I went through the day with the idea that the Lord was my coping mechenism. I tried to focus on what I was feeling and how I was going to get through it. for example. Went to walmart with the kiddos and after an hour and a half we were at the check out and all my credit cards are delined. I had 180.00 dollars worth of groceries and school supplies in my cart and shock, enbarrisment, anger rushed through me. My thoughts went to the Lord. "Okay what do I do now?" "Call Randy". Randy gave me his debit card number and I was atease until I was told walmart does not punch in numbers for payment. I was shocked again. Especially as I saw my cart roll into customer service and an employee said "we have another one" I looked to see where the worker put my cart and there were four more just like mine. Embarrisment overwhelmed me and Anger came to play. I was angry with Randy for maxing out all our creidit cards (he has not been aproved for is business loans and has to buy equiptment and stuff). It's not his fault he maxed out the cards, and knowing this I am still angry and Mason and Maryn are acting like kids. I love it when they act like kids, but when anger and/or frustration set in I want them to be annoyed and frustrated with me. So, I am holding arms and getting after my kids for being cute and themselves. I got many looks but didn't care. I explaned to the kiddos I am frustrated I can't take our groceries home and it is not there fault. We got in the car, and pulling out of the stall Randy calls and says he is on his way with his card to save the day. I am so relieved that I make a u-turn right infont of the store ignoring all traffic. I even did a three point in the middle of the drive way not caring who was coming in. luckily traffic was patient with me. Thank goodness or we would have all been killed. So, Randy gets there saves the day. Kiddos are happy to see dad and I am relived. I take groceries out and instead of thinking about what I am going to eat when I got home. I said a prayer of thanks. Even though I acted complelty dangerously and wrongly to my children. I didn't go to food. I went to someone who I can compleley depend on. The Lord. He knows what I am going through especially when I am coming to him for help. I just need to work on the anger management and dangerous driving. I am proud of myself. When I got home I talked with the kiddos more about mommy's frustration, Had lunch without binging, and read books and loved being with my kiddos. Wow. I wanted to try coping differently and I got a great trial run.

I will continue to focus on going to the lord aka relying on him to help me recongize my feelings and helping me find ways to over come hard situations. I feel like I did on Sunday. Peaceful, watched over, taken care of, and loved. None of it came from food. Thank you my savior.