being Controlled

This past week has been an exciting one. Randy's office is not done. He has moved in and is now buy the last minute furniture and odds and ends. It was crazy though. Grandpa Lomax came down with an employee of CC&E to help get computers up and networks made. Amongst the stress of the network crashing and having to order new software, there were painters, guys putting in cabinets, and even patients being seen.

Now with the stress of Randy's office and he being home just to sleep then get up and go my stress level increased  too. The stress came from caring for the kids while trying to care for myself. As usual. I get up every morning to walk for an hour, come home kiss my sweetheart, than it is game on for the day. Mason school, playtime with Maryn, shopping, pick up Mason from school, Lunch, play time, naps, and by this time I am TIRED. Mason has thrown twenty fits, Maryn has smashed all the playdoh colors together, thrown them on the floor and has gotten the milk out and tried to pour it herself. My solution has been to turn the t.v. on the let the babysitter to it's job so I can get a break. What I have learned through the babysitter is that my kids are more needy and more winney. ARGGGG! I can't get a break. Wednesday was the day the last straw was picked. I lost it and my cool and I realized I am not in control. Mason woke up late at eight zero, zero (as he puts it) and was really sad we turned off the t.v. He didn't get a chance to watch a show. Now I felt bad for him, because I didn't want him to feel punished for sleeping in so I "rewarded" him by letting him watch a show while he ate breakfast. I violated my first rule of the day. T.V off at 8:00 so we can get ready for school and not be late. Well. with letting Mason watch a show he turned into this crying winney  kid which made me go crazy. He was throwing fits left and right and was pushing me to screaming. We were a half and hour late for school and my happy excited son walked into school with red teary eyes. ALL BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE CONTROL. I let my own fear get in the way of my rules. My fear that Mason would remember waking up and not getting to watch t.v. and it was all my fault. This is silly, I know, but that is what I thought. The fear also goes along with me not meeting my children's needs living in an apartment, and that is the underlying fear. I was letting my fear run my life, which meant my kids run my life and I have no control.
Thursday night I got it back. Randy and fellow people helping getting the office ready were working long hours and I was finished being a single parent. The kids and I went down to say hi and see how things were coming together. The kids were crazy. Mason was running jumping on the brand new chairs flipping his shoes on the the newly painted walls and Maryn was following right behind him. I looked at him and thought he is really not listening to me. When did that happen. I would say his name and he would continue on like I never said anything. I snapped. Said goodbye took the kids home and it was dinner than bed time. I had to get a grip on what was happening between me and Mason. I made dinner and I have never experienced Mason be so rude and demanding. I sent him to his room to get control of himself, but he got worse. It was like a two year old all over a gain except worse! I let him be out of control in his room and set him straight on his accusations of me "locking him in his room", "not loving him" , and "not being nice to him". I tried to put it back on him and letting him be accountable for his actions. Once he calmed down we talked for awhile about our feelings and what started his outrage. He was able to go to sleep at peace and I felt this feeling of being in control and it felt awesome!! I didn't want to take out my frustrations on food. I felt great. I had this feeling before, but It has been lost for a long time. I am glad to have it back, and remember that my fears not only hurt me, but they affect my children too. I am in control not my children. It is my responsibility to be in control and teach them and love them.