Last night I just realized I have been waiting for my reward. What I deserve. I've earned it. I have been hanging my head low since I have been married. I am going to press on until Randy is finished with school than life will be how I want it. I have earned it. My husband was non existent and I learned to cope with it. So I am going to wait it out. Well we have been out of Medical school/residency for one year now and it is not what I thought it would be. We are STILL living in a rental home waiting for our dream home to be approved. Randy is more busy at work than he was in residency and I am still waiting. Waiting for a family trip, waiting for Randy to be home at 5:30 for dinner, waiting for a back yard and a cud-i-sac for my kiddos to play in so I don't have to worry as much. I expressed my frustration with Randy and he asked me why am I feeling sorry for myself and I was so offended. What do you mean sorry for my self? Well I was. I have been living the life of What's in it for me? I did this for you, now, what are you going to do for me? I deserve to have a boat and family time! I put you and put up with you through 11 years of school.
Well after Randy very patiently waited for me to express myself and then took his turn it hit me. Oh my pride! I have forgotten the purpose of why I am here. Not because I deserve to be here, but because I choose to be here. I choose to marry Randy and along with him I married his dreams and desires. He did the same for me. My words are all over the place. I still have a lot to learn I guess. I am happy to recognize what is underneath my frustration...pride....And now I get to learn how to cope with it and find humility....peace. We'll see how well I do.
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